Marriage...The Fine Print

Taking time to clean out closets led me to my marriage license the other day. I was surprised and delighted to discover a section of the license, which I had previously overlooked. Apparently, this has been on marriage licenses for quite some time. My mother and grandmother didn't know of this but, as luck would have it, I spotted the fine print in time to save all current marriages. Feel free to send gifts and notes of gratitude:

In accordance with Estrogen Alliances of the United States of America and in partnership with Making Merry Marriages, the Law of Women charges the husband to the following rules, guidelines and obligations:

Never use the following words and phrases in an obtuse manner: emotional, overly sensitive, that time of the month, Eve had long hair...why can�t you, head of household and weird.

When your wife says to take the children to the store with you, abide without question or unkind look.

It�s hard enough keeping the children and pets away for ten luxurious minutes alone. For the love of God and womankind, when your wife is taking a bath stay out of the bathroom.

When approaching possible relations with your wife, grabbing anything on her body as a hint is not acceptable foreplay.

Your wife will be happy that you�ve decided to buy a racecar for the local stock car races. However, do not attempt to explain how this will enhance her life. Perhaps a certificate to her favorite day spa will explain the situation in a way both of you can understand.

You are highly advised to never forget or shrug off an anniversary, birthday or holiday that is important to your wife. If you are running low on money, she may say she doesn�t want a gift. However, she is lying to make you feel better so get in the kitchen and make her dinner. Can�t cook? Learn. She learned to create a wonderful home for you.

Do not stop and smell the roses. Pick them up and bring them home to your wife.

It wouldn�t hurt for you to smell like roses every now and then. Or, perhaps, like Safeguard.

When your friends come over, you are admonished to not get into a gender war. You may win the public battle but you, dear husband, will lose the private war, which will be held after company leaves.

When dining out occasionally, do not encourage your wife to order the cheapest entree on the menu.

While doing laundry, if your wife turns your underwear pink wear them anyway.

Remember that women are amazing creatures. They have the capacity to lift you up to heaven or drag you into eternal hell. Be wise and choose well. When you fail, pray for grace. God knows you�re going to need it.


On a personal note, my husband has asked me to explain to you that the above statements do not reflect any underlying problems that exist in our relationship. He also advised me to say that he is a wonderful husband and that our previous anniversary just so happened to fall on a day in which everything went wrong.

It appears I left out the part about never using the word over-react.

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